Izzy's Violations of Literary Propriety, or This Story be Whacked!
by Rufus T. Serenity
Summary: So, like, there's Izzy...but now there's three in one! And then the three Izzies in one are all like, 'Yo, author guy, make us a good story to cut loose! And the author's like, 'Ok, for Izzies I be goods with doin' that, yo! And than after that things get REALLY crazy! Like, Lindsay winning the Nobel Prize for Chemistry or Owen being thinner than Harold crazy!
1. I am the Walrus Goo, goo, g'joob

**Hey guys! I'll bet your all shocked to see yet ANOTHER story from yours truly! **

**Well, you are very entitled to feel that way. However, this story's been a LONG time coming. I first hinted at this one in the fifth chapter of "A TDA Love Triangle"! So, why have I been so eager to get this story uploaded even with all of the workload that I've got on my plate as a fan-fiction writer? There are two reasons. One, this first chapter has almost been entirely written since when Total Drama All Stars was airing! So I've been eager to finally show the fruits of my labor to all my good fans. But it's the second one that's the greater reason. I've done much with Total Drama fan-fiction. I've made romances, horror stories, crossovers, and lemons, among others…but I've never made a comedy story. Just about every story I have written has comedy in it but overall most of my work is far more on the serious side of things. Just once, I wanted a story that has no higher aim than making people laugh. **

**Anyway, here's the first chapter of "Izzy's Violations of Literary Propriety, or This Story be Whacked!": I am the Walrus; Goo, goo, g' job**

* * *

Somewhere in Canada, in a place not in Canada but on the outskirts of Canada, where it was debatable if its an island or not and I don't have the desire or current attention span to look on the Internet if it is or not, the fifth season of Total Drama was taking place.

During this season there was such epic internal struggle: Mike struggling against a heartless personality called Mal for not just control of his own body but the wellbeing of his only friends, Zoey started to become scared and unsure of the boy she cared for more than life itself and being totally unsure how to handle such a unbelievably insane situation, Gwen was attempting to earn redemption for a foolish lustful decision that cost her a friendship that she discovered she cared about far more while still grappling with the fact that she did throw that beloved friendship away, Courtney was starting to fight with her normally all-powerful ego and relentless self-advancement as she was debating if she should risk trusting Gwen again even though the last time she tried to be open with her it caused her to feel more horrible than she ever had before in her entire entitled life.

All of these would be the kinds of internal character conflicts that make for great tales if handed properly by writers more reliably capable than the writing staff at Fresh TV.

This story is not focusing on any of them.

Instead were going to where all the losers not competing are just sleeping…Enjoy!

Noah slept and Cody slept. Though not together.

Bridgette slept and Geoff slept. Together.

Katie slept and Sadie slept. Together, though not in the way you're thinking, perverts!

Sam slept.

Brick slept.

Owen slept. Owen farted.

**SO MUCH EPICNESS! **

* * *

Anyway, at the resort for those not competing in TDAS, it was an ordinary night. Those thankful to not be in the game were all resting, dreaming sweet dreams without care.

Even the roaring of the thunderstorm outside couldn't awake any of the teenagers.

The frantic tossing and turning of one of the unused contestants was the only source of sound inside. As her covers were being violently torn from the tucked in edges of her bed, Izzy appeared to be fighting to stay asleep with the same vigor most would use when attempting to bring down a mutated bear with spiked octopus tentacles and laser vision.

Izzy would know; she had done that before…at least in last night's dreams she did.

But then again, Izzy had been struggling for the past week or so when sleeping. For the life of her, she couldn't understand why. What was different from just a few weeks ago? What had been different about today?

She woke up (like always), got into all kinds of cute and harmless mischief (as usual), caused massive amounts of property damage while still not becoming actually dangerous (nothing new), and shockingly kept herself from acting on her strongest impulses (per the norm), so what was the problem? The day started out like any other da-...oh, that's why.

Yes, as you can likely guess, Izzy is never one who adapts well to routine, of any kind. Even a routine of her own wacky wishes within normal parameters can only slake her for so long. And the worse part was that she had no idea what she could do to change that.

Cue contrived plot device to act as the "Call to adventure" (or that mono-myth plot thingy that starts the story off…at the beginning!) in three…two…one…

**BOOM!**

And the powerful percussion pulses of the thunder made Izzy suddenly…remain asleep!

…

Wait, what?

She didn't wake up? Um? Hold on one second; let me look at the chapter outline I wrote.

…

Yeah, she was supposed to wake up then. Isn't that a little odd?

Uh…ok….fine then, let's try this again…I guess?

Cue the plot thingy that starts the story off…at the beginning in three…two…one…

**BOOM!**

Ok, now that Izzy was awakened by the cascading call of the raging storm she…

OH COME ON! SHE'S STILL SLEEPING!

This is pathetic; I mean what is this? Amateur hour!? Even writers who can't spell the word "cow" correctly can at least make their characters do what they want them to!

Whatever! If it doesn't work this time then I'm going back to the twelve-part porno of transvestite midgets in lobster costumes jousting with dildos riding Galapagos torto…

(Uh…note to self, remove that last part before submitting this first chapter. Man, that would be so embarrassing if that somehow slipped through!)

All right. Boom-boom begin…

**{BOOM!}**

Izzy **finally** shot up after waking up. "What! Who's there!? Who's here with Izzy!?"

{Izzy's in here with Izzy!}

"What!? No one's in here with Izzy!"

{Yes, I am!}

"What are you!? Are you some matter of Dracula, or a Frankenstein?"

[No, she isn't. And even if she was either of those options, that wouldn't explain why you can't see her.]

"Wha-another one!? What kinds of Dracenstein are you!? And explain the spooky powers you have. Izzy wants in on it!"

[Uh. I should have known that she wouldn't get it. Do you want to take this first?]

{Oh, oh, oh! Let me go first! Introductions are like a social kind of BOOM!}

[Very well.]

{Yes! Anyway, hello Izzy. I am you!}

"No your not! Because if you are me, then who am I?"

{You are you, and I am you! I've been you ever since the BOOM in TDA!}

"Wait a second? Does that mean that your…?"

{Yup! Its-a me, **Explosivo**!}

[Is there any particular reason that you had to mimic Mario there?]

{'Cuz its fun! Almost as much fun as making things go BOOM! OH…yeah! Explosivo LOVES making things go BOOM! Doesn't matter if its paint or great balls of fire, the BOOM is pounding of creation's hammer on the anvil of time as humanity forged its means to surpass its limitations to enter the realm of gods! It's so freakin' awesome!}

"Ooo…Izzy likes Explosivo!"

{And Explosivo likes Izzy too! Oh, so many feels! Self-hug!}

Izzy then started hugging herself tightly.

[I should have known that you two would hit it right off of the bat.]

"And just, who, are you, Miss Grumpy Head in Izzy's happy head?"

[I am the illusory distinctiveness you generated after the knockout blow to the cranium in Jamaica and which you then bequeathed the injudicious moniker of **Brianzilla** to.]

"So…you're the smarty-pants personality that came after a jumbo jet fell on my head?"

[Yes.]

"Then why didn't you just say that and avoid all those big unneeded words?"

[Just because I'm forced by higher powers to be a part of this moronic and unpublished narrative of insanity doesn't mean that I am required to dumb myself down for it.]

"Unpublished? Narrative? What are you talking about dull voice in Izzy's head?"

[Um. I should have realized that you wouldn't get it. Even your not that crazy.]

{Yet! Hey, Story Man! Make her start tripping balls before reaching the Star Child!}

[I believe what my intellectually lacking compatriot is trying to say is, 'Rufus, could you please allow Izzy to reach enlightenment at the ultimate truth in a manner vaguely resembling the start of the "Star Gate" sequence from the film _2001: A Space Odyssey'_?]

I guess so, though the effect will be somewhat diminished since those reading this can't hear the music or see the visuals.

"Who are you guys talking to? Is it a…" Izzy started to ask confused before stopping.

Then, for reasons even she couldn't explain, Izzy started to see flashes of light. The flashes became more numerous, more varied in color. They darted past her eyes.

Some impressive opera music started to blare in her ears from out of nowhere.

Still sitting in her bed, she began to shake, as if she were suddenly very cold.

The lights became streams of energy, flashing their shimmering technicolor glory for her as they whisked by like endlessly elongating bullet of brightness.

By now Izzy was violently shaking, fearing that her body was going to fall apart.

As Izzy's body was threatening to shatter like glass, her eyes were threatening to be blinded by rays of lights not meant for mortal eyes, and her ears were threatening to be blasted to pieces because of the unexplained opera music…she entered a new level of being!

What she was experiencing was something that words couldn't hope to describe.

Shoo, that's a relief! Now I can half-ass this part!

…

No, no, Rufus. Don't do that to your readers. All right, here we go…

Izzy was seeing all of infinity in one gigantic instant. She was experiencing billions upon billions of actions and decisions from every possible vantage point throughout the eons. She was enduring the totality of everything, from every perspective in the universe.

Time was suddenly not a linear progression of events but a single explosion.

She saw everything. She felt everything. **Everything.**

She saw an infinite number of universes as they expended and multiplied like germs. She felt the rush of every young person who engaged in sex. She saw cavemen killing each other. She felt every bullet or blade that entered every person. She saw every highly acclaimed movie ever made. She felt all the frustration of people trapped in thick traffic.

She saw and felt all of these things and so much more as her sight expanded ever further outward. Soon enough, entire universes looked like marbles shrinking into dust grains.

Izzy saw herself being one of the two winners of an alternate second season of Total Drama with Bridgette after killing a giant octopus to save Ezekiel, after she had done so earlier from a Jigsaw wannabe. She saw herself as Brianzilla in Jamaica, kissing Ezekiel. She saw herself making out with Cody in the midst of a zombie apocalypse while in Hawaii. She saw herself starting a song about shipping that resulted in NoCo being named the greatest ship before a heart-breaking scene between Courtney and Duncan.

It made one thing impossible to deny, there was much more to reality than she could have imagined. Everything Izzy ever knew or believed was just a less than microscopic piece. Due to an infinite number of realities, her every possible choice was rendered pointless.

A few minutes was all that was required before Izzy felt her body and senses return to her. She just sat there, staring vacantly into the void of her revealed insignificance.

What Izzy just experienced was more frightening than any human could imagine and still remain sane. Only the most solemn and respectful of reactions could be expected and…

"Ha, ha, ha! That was great! Hit me again!"

{Did it work? Did it work!?}

[Hold on. We need to see. Izzy, can you still hear me?]

{And me?}

"Y…yes. Izzy can hear you both."

[Good. Now, do you see anything aside from what you saw before in your room?]

"Yes."

[What else do you see?]

"I see…a walrus? And the words…?"

{I think she might have it.}

"…Goo…goo…g' joob?"

{Yeah, she's got it!}

"And I see…giant turtles? With little people on them looking like lobsters holding…"

Ok, that's enough! We get it, Izzy. No need to expand it to my other computer activity!

"WHOA! Who the heck was that!? Is their a third, well, fourth voice in Izzy's head!?"

No, Izzy. I'm not in your head. My penname is Rufus T. Serenity. I'm this story's author.

"Story? What are you talking about? This is real life, it's not a story!"

Oh, but it is Izzy. It is. Everything that has happened or will happen is as I foresee it. There is nothing that is unknowable to me. I know everything that you're going to say.

"Oh, come on, that's a lo-"

Load of crap.

"You can-"

Can't predict what I'm going to say.

"I-"

I'm.

"Sto-"

Stop that.

"I mean-"

Mean it. Stop it.

"Polly pack-"

Polly packed a pint of pickled peepers.

"She sells-"

She sells sea shells by the…

"K-m-"

K-mart.

"Damn it!"

You see. I am awesome!

{Izzy has broken the fourth wall! And she is the walrus who's seen the lobster midgets!}

[And to think, this hasn't happened on the actual show yet? Such a missed opportunity.]

{It could still happen. Please let it happen, Fresh TV!}

[Anyway, how are you feeling Izzy? What else do you see now?]

The normally Wild Redhead was silent for a moment, looking around very intently.

"Oh…my…god…Izzy doesn't have a body! **Izzy's just made out of words!**"

Yes, Izzy, you are. Everyone is made out of words. This is a **written** story, after all.

"Hey, there's no need to go **bold** on Izzy…even if Izzy just did it to by accident. Izzy's still adjusting to the mind-shattering realization that every single thing about her very perception of reality itself is a total lie!" Izzy said, genuinely horrified and reeling.

Two second later.

"And now I'm ok with it." Izzy said, perfectly calm and collected.

[For someone who discovered that their whole world isn't real, you're taking this well.]

"Yeah, well you know, its no biggie. Its just all reality."

{Yeah, who needs reality, anyway? Besides, it's all just a matter of perspective!}

[Before Explosivo accidently says something intelligent and signals the apocalypse…]

{At least I'd do a better job of it than those ancient, lying Mayans!}

[…let's get back on point and tell Izzy why we asked for her to see past the fourth wall.]

Very good, Brianzilla. Very good. Anyway, Izzy, about why I've reached out to you. You see, I have a tendency to write a lot of heavy and emotional fan-fiction, and well, as much as I enjoy it, I feel like I need at least one story that's nothing but mad cap comedy. And I thought to myself, 'Rufus, who would be a better instrument for throwing all seriousness in the trash than that superb mad redhead who hasn't gotten the proper attention by me?'

"Oh, oh, oh…me! Pick me!" Izzy shouted while raising her hand with the other on the elbow supporting it like a school student overly eager to be picked to answer a question.

[I'm pretty sure that question was rhetorical.]

"Regardless, I'm game! So, Ruffy, what do you want to do for the rest if this chapter?"

First off, don't call me Ruffy.

"I make no promises, Ruffy."

And second…Uh. You know what…I didn't think of what was supposed to come next.

"Say, Izzy has an idea!"

{Does it involve BOOM?}

"No."

{Then I hate it!}

"Can we at least show the readers what might come in a super-cool montage!?" Izzy happily asked.

How would I be able to write an effective and fun to read montage when the readers can't see the image or hear the music?

"Come on! The reader's have got imaginations, don't they!?"

No, Izzy. I'm sorry but I'm the author and so it is I who controls the story's progression. What would it say to the fine readers of this story if I just up and let you d-

...

-let you d-

...

-let you d-Huh? Izzy…? WhAt…!? HoW DiD YOU gEt…? WaiT! HeY! STop tHAT! WhaT ARe YoU DoINg!? PEW! PEW! WAAAAH! AAARGH! FIANT! THUNK!

AND SO IZZY NOW HAD THE POWER TO CONTROL THE STORY"S PROGRESSION AND BE IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT OF THIS FINE ROARING LION OF A STORY FOR THE REMAINDER OF THIS CHAPTER!

[So Izzy completely broke the fourth wall, grinded it into a fine dust snorted by crack-heads, and is now in control? Well that escalated quickly. And this is only chapter one.]

{What happened to the funny story-time man!?}

RELAX, THE AUTHOR"S FINE! HE"S JUST A BIT KNOCKED OUT! HENCE THE EARLIER "PEW!" "PEW!" "WAAAH!" "AAARGH!" "FIANT!" AND "THUNK!"

[Fair enough, I guess. Now can you cool it with the cap lock, please?]

CAPS LOCK? I"M JUST HOLDING DOWN SHIFT WHILE TYPING EVERYTHING.

[That would explain the **"'s** where there should be 's. But that doesn't explain why there are still periods and comm-]

THE DOC MANAGER DOESN'T PICK UP WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU HOLD SHIFT ON THOSE KEYS.

[Oh...]

{Besides, typing everything in caps shows how serious you are about something!}

[Or that your undermining your point by neutralizing your emphasis childishly.]

EITHER WAY, THE ASSES OF THE CAPS ARE STAYIN" TAPPED!

[Nice wording. Very classy.]

{I know, right!}

[Ignoring that obvious stupidity, have you considered the humble reader, Izzy? What if he, she, or mutated sentient hamster from the planet Mars won't go with this craziness?]

OF COURSE IZZY HAS! BUT READER, JUST GO WITH IT…THE BOOBED STORY GOD IZZY"S ABOUT TO CHANGE YOUR WHOLE FUDGING LIFE!

"And now that that's out of the way…*cough* *cough*…BRING THE MONTAGE!" I SAID ENTHUSIASTICALLY!

* * *

_The music of "Ode to Joy" is played. Listen to it on Youtube while reading if you want. It's the version that's heard at the end of the 1971 classic movie "A Clockwork Orange" before the closing words "I was cured all right." It's the best use of "Ode to Joy" ever!_

* * *

The ceiling above all of the Total Drama contestants suddenly goes BOOM!

{YAY!}

* * *

Chris is shocked to find that he is now bald and has bunny ears.

* * *

A vast garden of beautiful flowers with huge blinking human eyes surrounded by the pedals suddenly blooms up from rows upon rows of easy chairs.

* * *

Izzy is attacking non-human enemies by using two live great white sharks as clubs.

* * *

Brick and Izzy are dodging machine gun fire from a man whose face is half black and half white in an art-deco city at night with darkened skyscrapers amid the black sky.

* * *

A giant being is answering ten telephones with six arms in the center of the Earth itself that has painted on his big blue chest the words "The Shiva of Big Business".

* * *

Izzy is firing a grenade launcher that fires reeved up chainsaws, which then explode.

* * *

Brick punches Cancer itself in the face.

* * *

A beautiful unicorn with a rainbow mane impales man with its horn, and then it does so again.

* * *

Izzy is fighting an armored knight with a sword using only a pillow and a stubborn mule.

* * *

Everything is in black and white as a kid is riding his bike in a lead-lined body suit that looks like a full-body oven mitt as a mushroom cloud is rising in the distance behind him.

* * *

Izzy is spinning around with her arms raised like a ballerina in a beautiful white dress with a small, warm smile on her face in a blank white room.

* * *

Brick and Izzy are studying some art in a clean high-class museum looking very proper and restrained with serious expressions on their faces.

* * *

Izzy is spinning around with her arms raised like a ballerina with a chainsaw in her hands in a dress that has thickly red as the rest of her blood covered body with a huge terrifying smile on her face while the background is dark and on fire.

* * *

A man in his fifties in clothing over two hundred years old is in a modern day night club and is wooing all of the hot modernly and sparingly dressed ladies of questionable virtue.

* * *

Bridgette is lunging herself at Izzy with lustful eyes and intent.

* * *

A bunch of skeletons are doing the can-can, kicking their bony legs into the air in unison.

* * *

Sitting on a corn flake are four eggmen are kicking Edgar Allen Poe as an elementary penguin is singing Hare Krishna in the English rain.

* * *

Little men in lobster costumes with hints of woman's clothing beneath the red fabric meant to look like crimson shells are charging towards each other on the backs of Galapagos tortoises with woman's pleasure products in their smaller gripping hands.

* * *

Izzy and Brick are looking happy as they continuously curb-stomp something that isn't human in a snowy field with several rows of people in fancy Victorian-era clothing who are clapping them on in what appears to be slow motion with a surreal haze to it all.

* * *

IT"S GOING TO BE FUN ALL RIGHT!

* * *

**Ugh…uh, wh-what happened? What happened! What hap-What the hell is all of that!? HOW DID THAT ENDING LITERALLY WRITE ITSELF!? **

**Calm down, Rufus, calm down. Its ok, its ok. Your safe now in the author's notes. **

**Uh…um, anyway…that was my first foray into pure comedy. Despite this being the first story to literally knock me out, I hope you all enjoyed this madcap intro! :) **

**Let me just say that it was very difficult for me to come up with such an original and totally not ripped off concept and delivery of said concept. Yes surrey bob, this idea was all mine and has absolutely borrowed from no other…**

"Not true!"

**Hold on, Izzy. Let me finish this-GAH! What the hell!? How did you get in the author's notes!? **

"That's not important. Ya better get use to it, 'cuz Izzy gonna be co-pilot in these author's notes from here on out!"

**You mean like when you were Chef's co-pilot in France and you crashed the plane?**

"Maybeeeeee…But this is what happens when ya open up Panda Aura's box!"

**Do you mean Pandora's box? **

"Yeah! That's what Izzy meant! Wow, that was bad, Izzy means like Lindsay-level bad! Anyway, what is important is that Izzy must correct your mistake!"

**And what mistake is that!?**

"That this whole idea and set-up is original. Its not Rufus, its really not."

**After knocking me out and high jacking our story, MY story, you have the gall to-!?**

"Pull-leaze, what you've borrowed from is so obvious that Izzy's shocked no one has commented on it yet!"

**Uh, how could anyone comment on it when this is before anyone had read it ye-?**

"Doesn't matter! What does matter is you've ripped off royally from De-!"

**Lalalalalalala! I am not listening!**

"How is it not obvious? Let's just look at it. A wacky central character, breaking the fourth wall more than Owen breaks wind, and two other personalities to play off of her?"

**Is somebody talking? I wouldn't know because I can't hear them! Lalalalalalalala!**

"Its obvious that your rippling off…"

**DON'T SAY IT!**

"…Deathstroke!"

…**Deathstroke? **

"Yeah, Deathstroke."

**Shoo…that's a relief a thought you were going to say…**

"Psyche! Izzy meant Deadpool!"

**NO!**

And not just Deadpool but a Deadpool crossover fan-fiction with _My Little Pony_!

**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

"Hey, guys and girls! Izzy'll take over this closing out since Rufus is now crying in the corner at his biggest influence being exposed. Oh, and if ya want to know what that MLP fan-fic is, its "My Little Deadpool: Friendship is Deadpool" by LightTechnology. It's pretty good! And Izzy hopes that this first chapter was good enough that those of you who hate MLP can tolerate the first reference to it EVER in a Rufus T. Serenity story! Man; that pony cherry been waiting to be popped for years!

"Wait, what did Izzy just say?

"Well, anyway, it might be while till the next chapter of this story gets uploaded but trust Izzy it'll be worth it! Izzy's already looked at what's already written up for the next chapter and it's got some good stuff in it! Let's see here, the next chapter's got explosions, fish, aliens/demons, Heather with G-cupped sized boobies, and the greatest moment of all time! For reals, the best possible scene EVER happens in the next chapter!

"But you'll just have to wait till the next chapter to see that awesomeness for yourself! Till then please read this again, review, favor it, follow it, and spread the word! Izzy out!"


	2. Chaos REGINS!

**Author's Notes: Hey guys. Look, I'm sorry if I seem in a hurry but I want to get this chapter started befor-**

"Hey there ol' Ruffy!"

**Oh goddammit!**

"What da matter?"

**That I'm going to have to deal with YOU again after you knocked! Me! Out! And its not Ruffy…its Rufus!**

"Come on, Izzy didn't mean no nothing by it!"

[And to think you had been using shockingly good grammar before, Izzy.]

{Yeah, Izzy be all smart!}

**Oh, and that's just flippin' perfect! All three of them are here! These author's notes are going to have almost no bold parts with all of these voices chattering up a storm! **

[If the notion of this makes you so uncomfortable, why did you write this next chapter?]

**Because after what happened recently (which I go over in the author's notes of the seventh chapter of "Second Chance at Love"), I needed to write something comedic. **

"Fair enough. Tell ya what, how about Izzy promises to not ever knock you out again?"

**Wow…that's actually a nice gesture for you, Izzy. Thanks. **

[We've reached the point where it **has** to be verbally acknowledged instead of just knowing to not have one-person knock out the other.]

{Progress!}

**Do you have anything else that you'd like to say to the readers before we begin, Izzy?**

"As a matter of fact, Izzy does! Now to all of you men, women, and those of unspecific gender…Izzy wants you all to keep up the **once per page** principal going!"

**Yeah, let's keep that-uh…the what?**

"Well, the first chapter was eleven pages long in Microsoft Word, and it ended up getting over eleven reviews. So, for every page that the new chapter in question takes up in Microsoft word, Izzy thinks that we should get at least one review. Once per page."

**But Izzy, how are they supposed to know how many pages each chapter-?**

"ONCE PER PAGE!"

**But we don't tell-**

"Ellen Page!"

**Wha-Ellen Pa-?**

"Ellen! PAGE!"

**Why did you-?**

"Bwowm!"

**That's the sound from **_**Inception**_**, isn-?**

"BWOWM!"

**You do know that that movie's been out for five yea-?**

"GIVE HIM THE KICK!"

**Are you just going to interrupt everything I-?**

"BRRRRRRRAAAAAWWWWRWRRRMRMRMMRMRMMMMM!"

**I swear to all that is holy, if you do one more **_**Inception**_** thing, I'll-!**

"WHERE ARE THEY!?"

**Uh…that's…uh, a different Nolan movie, Izzy.**

[Have we just devolved to the point where we are quoting Internet memes from movies?]

{Oh, I hope so! Oh, oh, oh…do the one with the talking fox biting his own balls off!}

"Chaos…REGINS!"

**That's the name of the story's second chapter. Let's just get this train wreck started. **

* * *

All of the teenagers of Total Drama, both those who had competed in the latest season of Total Drama and whose who fate had smiled upon and thus spared them that awful fate, were gathered in the party room of the hotel the losers went to after Total Drama Island. Mike had won the season after overcoming his demons in the form of the personality Mal. Even with the lingering tensions that remained in the air after the aftermath of All-Stars, the atmosphere was mostly calm and laid-back. Gwen was ignoring Courtney despite the conflicted feelings she still felt about the C.I.T. by talking to Cameron. Blaneinley was being all Blaneinley and shouting into her cell phone like a lady dog. Bridgette and Geoff were making out as always. Harold was trying to flirt with Leshawna and failing at it, as always. Tyler was fighting an epic battle against his greatest foe…gravity! And he was losing. As always! Heather was brooding by herself over how she was didn't win the season and was still **single**. Brick was talking with Jo, well, not so much talking as resisting the Jockette's hostility. Noah was talking with Eva abou-

"I CAN SEE THE FUTURE!" Izzy suddenly shouted with humorous operatic gusto at her closest friends, destroying all that set-up I was working in before things got crazy!

"Uh…what?" Eva asked, raising the right side of her unibrow in confusion.

"It shall be a grand cornucopia of explosions, fire, hostile beings from another realm that even Izzy can't describe, and maple syrup fetishes…IN THE FU-TUUUUUUUURE!"

Noah and Eva looked at each other in the way you would imagine two rational people would when hearing that. It was unusual, even for Izzy, and that was saying something.

{Yup!}

[Sounds about right.]

Shockingly, the Bookworm spoke up and said, "Ok. I'll bite. How can you see the future, Izzy?"

"Because the creator of us and everything around us has given me super-human powers," Izzy said like it were the most matter-of-fact thing in the world, like worms being legless.

Eva and Noah shared that look that I described in so much detail before, before they parted away from the Wacky Redhead.

"Izzy's feelings aren't hurt!" She shouted at her friends cheerfully. "Izzy's sure that you'll see that Izzy's right within the next few pages or so!"

[You know this must be how Cassandra of Troy felt…just not as ok with it, of course.]

For those of you don't know, Cassandra of Troy was the daughter of King Priam and Queen Hecuba of Troy who-

'_Hold it, Ruffy!'_

Firstly, for the second time this chapter, its Rufus, not Ruffy! Secondly, what is it Izzy!?

Izzy just wanted to stop you from wasting everyone's time with a serious lecture mid-story. Here's who this Cassy lady is, peeps. She was some turkey princess without an Italian plumber or a man in green tights to save her all the time because she had adequate royal security that no one believed when she said that the big wooden horse had bowel blockage because of all those Greeks 'cuz she didn't want the sun god's celestial shaft!

….

WHAT!?

[Look at it this way, Rufus, Izzy's version of things is actually just as crazy and messed up as Greek mythology itself.]

{Explosivo likes to call it 'Dicks: Divine D-bags getting theirs wet or cut off'!}

Izzy, how's anyone suppose to deceiver the truth from this statement!? I mean, I guess people can figure out its about the Trojan horse but still. "Turkey princess"? Seriously!?

'_What? Izzy's correct. The remains of Troy were found in modern day Turkey, right?'_

Well…yes, that is actually true but that doesn't mean that the wording you used it correct. And what about "celestial shaft"?

'_Would you have preferred it if Izzy had said "divine dong"?'_

….

Celestial shaft is fine.

'_Izzy thought so.'_

Is there any particular reason why you've wasted everyone's time with that non sequitur?

'_Izzy wants the action!'_

{Explosivo wants the BOOM!}

[I just want to get this progressing. really]

So, you added on that bit…to get things moving quicker?

'…_uh…'_

That's what I-

'_At least I didn't waste the time with some trivia stuff no one cares about it!' _

They do care! And if they don't, I care!

'_That's good and all but maybe the readers don't want their comedy weighted down, uh?'_

Uh…well, I…um…?

{Oh, and Explosivo wonders why you put in that Heather is single when she's with Al-}

**BOOOOOOOMMMMM!**

Suddenly the ceiling above all of the Total Drama contestants went boom!

{JOY! In fact…***Cough* *Cough***…'Joy, thou beauteous godly lighting; Daughter of Elysium; Fire drunken we are ent'ring; Heavenly, thy hol-!'}

[Uh…is there any reason why your quoting part of the English translation of _Ode to Joy_?]

[Because I'm so HAPPY that there's finally been a BOOM and it's about things on fire!}

[Fair enough. But can you at least finish the quote? Otherwise you'll be stuck on "hol-".]

{Hehe…heavenly hole!}

[At least its better than celestial shaft, I guess.]

A horde of creatures came pouring into the room like a swarm of human-sized loci. They were creatures that were the size of a full-grown man and in many ways resembled what you'd likely get if an aggressive lizard had gotten it on with a horny horde of flies. The majority of their bodies were muscular and covered in coarse, wrinkled jet black skin but their arms from their hands to their shoulders, their legs from their two-toed feet to their knees, and backs of their head to their upper shoulders were a muddied red with lots of grooves and points. Their two eyes were huge, menacing, and pupil-less yellow lens.

But those run-of-the-mill life forms had nothing on the really freaky things in the room!

One was some sort of ambulatory stomach lined with teeth. Another was a cross between a turkey and a mudpuppy. Yet another had a head that was an inverted heart-shape with a bank of mismatched eyes in an arc over a hooked, parrot-like beak. And let's not even focus on the abomination that looked like it was made of diaphanous glowing lunchmeat!

As soon as they started entering the room, the hordes of creatures began to make sure no one left. They did so with growls and snarls and obscene gestures of alien copulation.

A ghastly leprous frogman held down a furious Eva while a cross-eyed being with mossy stumps and fungi for a head and pointed buckteeth made lovely-dovey eyes at Lindsay. Something with a boar's head for a belly snapped its swine stomach jaws at Gwen at the same time as a black version of the cliché little grey man alien showed a rectum probe to Alejandro. Something like a tall purple bipedal anglerfish flashed its gills to Owen in unison with a bulbous being crying out of its three heads as the same voice screeched at Noah through one head like a lizard's, one head like a stray cat's, and one like a doll's.

{Is it wrong that I'm a little frightened of Rufus now?}

[…No…]

"Oh…fu-!"

Hold it Izzy!

"What?"

You were about to swear by using the F-word, weren't you?

"Noooooooooo…."

***Pause***

"Maaaybbbeeeeee…."

***Longer pause***

"Whhhhyyyyyyy?"

Need I remind you that this story is rated **T for teen**? As in only super mild swearing!

Izzy was stunned by that, even more so than when the menacing, trippy fever dreams that bordered between frightening and silly had come crashing in. She was completely silent. For a few seconds.

"But what's Izzy and the other voices in my head suppose to do when we want to use them? Izzy refuses to have **BLEEPS** or asterisks over every letter but the first one be in this story, to the point where you have to stop reading to figure out what the word is!"

{Oh, what if we say those safe words that sound similar but are actually really stupid!?}

[You mean, **euphemisms**? Or maybe also **minced oaths**? I'm not sure which it truly is.]

{Yeah, that's it!}

That's actually a good idea. We can get away with that. So, let's try this again, Izzy.

"Oh…uh…**find me in the Alps**?"

Much better. Also, knowing you because I'm the author, if you have any frustrations over us using euphemisms and/or minced oaths, please get them out now…by using euph-

"Son of a **gum-chewing funk-monster**! **Why the fruit** does all this **funny stuff** happen to Izzy!? Izzy's got the powers of a **gumbo** **dandy** god by breaking the fourth wall that no one else even knows about but Izzy can't say the **fooling** words that she really wants to because its 'too vulgar' to sound like someone who'd make a **taken slot **blush!** Forget my life!** Izzy's gonna be surrounded by people **fanny-footing** around what they would actually say like the cast of _Leave it to Beaver_! **Dash **you Rufus, you **sticky melon-farmer**! You impotent, paranoid, timid **consarn buzzard** you! This is only the second chapter before the big baddie has yet to be shown and Izzy already feels like that this story just wants to bend me over, and **find me in the Alps**! Fine! Izzy will play along but Izzy wants it known for the record that those who would complain about Izzy's swearing are a bunch of **cows** who can have this **fancy** **barbecue**… with a goddamn pig!"

…Wow…just, wow…I know I'm the author and all but there's literally nothing that I can say after that…I'll even overlook that "goddamn" that somehow slipped in there.

Everyone, even the beings that no one had ever seen before, stared at the Redhead who had been ranting to herself. Even they were disturbed by what they had seen from her.

"Say, um…uh, Homo sapien," One of the otherworldly creatures said to Noah. "We're new here so I have to ask…is that normal behavior for her…or the rest of your species?"

Noah was silent for a few moments. "For our species, no. For her…yes." He said, forgetting for the briefest of moments that he was speaking to something not human.

"I'm suddenly very afraid."

"As are we all."

[Uh? Izzy?]

'_Yes, Brainzilla?'_

[Why aren't you attacking the things that your suppose to? That you want to?]

''_Cuz Izzy's waitin' for the big baddy to show up! I wanna deck him in the schnozz!'_

[Why on Earth would their leader be-?]

"Everything is secure, Lord. You may come down now!" One of the tamer looking creatures said while looking up at the massive hole in the ceiling, which was now on fire.

[-I should have known…]

{Quick, before he gets here, let's find something to murder him with!}

'_Excellent idea! We can search for the ideal thing when Rufus describes the big baddie!'_

[What makes you think that will give us enough time?]

'_Have you ever seen Rufus when he gets descriptive? It takes FOREVER with him!'_

{Yeah, he thinks like he has gotta get all _War and Peace_ up in everything he writes!}

[A fair point.]

I. Hate. All. Of you!

'_Of come on, Ruffy. We're not bad people…we were just written that way! Haha!'_

…

Some ruckus was heard on the roof. Everything in the room, both canon to Total Drama and the hell-spawn of some drug-fueled fever-dream without any drugs involved, focused on the roof. Then, without any sound or movement, something started to descend down.

The being's appearance wasn't obvious yet but everything in the room that wasn't human started to slightly bow as the creature coming down got closer and closer to the floor.

Six talon like toes as dark as night itself created a low-pitched, mechanical squeaking sound as they made contact with the floor of the room.

Every set of human eyes present aside from those of a certain redhead stared at the newest being beyond their powers of understanding before them with complete fear. Whether cast or crew, all of the humans committed this being's features to memory.

The body was vaguely humanoid in its general outline but everything else was unquestionably not human by any stretch of the imagination. He was ten feet tall but his body was very thin and gaunt, almost to the point of looking non-threatening, with it possessing a skeletal, biomechanical appearance. He was so frail that he almost didn't seem like he was flesh and bone but rather a shadow that somehow obtained the miracle of solidness. Plus the color scheme of the leader of these creatures reinforced that idea. The majority of his body was black, an otherworldly black that didn't reflect any light. Along his body and limbs, the only color that could be largely seen were lines of a vivid, pulsating green somewhere between lime and emerald that appeared luminous compared to the rest of it and that allowed structures like bones and muscles to be as easily visible as those of a lanky and starving homeless person amid the featureless ebony of his body.

He had large chestnut-shaped skull with two sections of his head that protruded in different directions in a V-shape. Several smaller chevron-like horns jutted out from the sides of his head to the base of his neck. He had two hands with five claws each and two feet with three talon-like toes on each that appeared capable of grabbing things like hands. He had a tail that was at least half as long as his body's height and was relatively thick in width with a spiked end. His upper back was ordained with a pair of sharply-angled, stiff, membranous, and wide wings somewhere between bat-like and fan-like that looked so alien as to almost seem unfit for traveling through the Earth's atmosphere.

His face was so unusual. It certain wasn't human, lacking most traditional and developed human facial features, it looked somewhere between reptilian, insectiod, and demonic. The cheeks were almost inexistent and what was along his face's sides were very rigid. His mouth was the most human part of his face, with it being a set of small lips that were indigo in color. But the main color on this being's face was a brighter green, a yellowed-emerald or lime color. And then there were his eyes, which were slightly narrowed pink irises with hellish snake-like silted pupils. Each of those eyes had a harsh glow to them. But there was an additional reason for that. On the side of each eye was a flickering, luminesce orange flame, which was connected to a long, thin downward curling antenna like an anglerfish lure drooped from the forehead. The red and yellow fires smoldering like little suns added a faint layer of smoke and shadow surrounding the sides of his face.

All in all, this being looked like something between an alien and a demon with the two concepts of supernatural and science fiction overlapping into a cliché yet cool mismatch.

{Its as if General Grievous from _Star Wars_ had a butt-baby after a drunken threesome with Aku from _Samurai Jack_ and the first Imperfect form Cell from _Dragon Ball Z_!}

[I'd say it's more like the techo rave offspring of a dragon and an anorexic anglerfish.]

I think my way of summing him up is better!

'_Of course you'd say that, Ruffy!'_

Regardless…

The towering dark figure remained still, save for his vivid coral eyes that moved back and forth. The elongated ebony blades that made up his irises surveyed everything around. Then he took a few steps closer to one of the groups of humans, who recoiled in fear. The new figure didn't notice this as he looked at them as if they were exhibits in a museum. He grinned, his mouth nothing but a thin, violet line across a terrain of yellowed emerald.

"Good day…humans." The leader of these creatures said, revealing his voice. It was a British accent, suggesting a sophisticated and effeminate demeanor, and something else. "I realize that th-"

"Alrighty then! ATTENTION ALL UNORIGINAL AND UN-HUMAN **BONKERS**!" Izzy shouted as she dramatically leapt from somewhere unknown to the leader's front. Her green eyes gleamed with assurances of victory and her orange lips were curled into a smirk of eagerness as she presented the weapons that she had found during his entrance. "Izzy's got a can of whoop-ass for all of y'all!"

{Thank God that Rufus didn't censor that last part!}

Everything present, human and otherwise, stared at the Redhead in confusion as she held up two dead tuna fish as if she were dual wielding an pair of P90 sub machine guns with sniper scopes that were almost as big as she was.

Even as everyone stared at her in confusion, Izzy didn't look fazed in the slightest.

[I know I said this before when we were looking for weapons but I really feel the need to do so again. Fish are not the best choice for this kind of thing. Do you think we'll win?]

{Hey! Its not like Chris had swords or grenade launchers lying around for us to use! Freaking awesome as that would be!}

[True. But that's not the main issue here.]

{Then what is?}

[Pardon my censored French here but…why the blazes are we even considering attacking this creature who likely has supernatural powers with two dead fish!?]

{So we can have Izzy pounding the tuna!}

[….]

{Hello, Brianzilla?}

[…]

{Are you there? Hel-}

[You know what, fine. Give the tuna a try. See what happens.]

'_Yeah! Izzy's so happy to see crabby Brianzilla becoming a team player! Now let's go!'_

"Who-?" The tall, dark stranger started to ask.

"SHYRYUKEN!" Izzy shouted as she lunged upward at the ebony creature with her fish.

The Wild Redhead prepared her dead tuna for the assault to come when the gaunt figure, which seemed wholly disinterested, moved his head out of the way at the last possible moment. Before Izzy could even process what had happened, one of the being's arms stretched out and smacked the Psycho Hose Beast into a nearby wall. Izzy's body crashed into the concrete but somehow didn't shatter, even as the heavier material crumbled.

K.O.! The Villain wins!

'_Why…Ruffy?'_

Because you knocked me unconscious the last time, Izzy!

'_Your still ticked about that!?' _

Oh, unbelievably! And that's why I wrote what comes next!

'_What do you mea-?'_

With his arm still stretched and not even looking at the Redhead currently imbedded into the wall, surges of green electricity started to ribbon around his five claw-like fingers. A wave of emerald energy slammed into Izzy, which caused her body to rigidly tighten up.

"Muscles stiff…can't move…trapped…must explain condition…verbally…for readers…like Adam West's…Bat…man…" Izzy said as she struggled in futility.

[Actually, Rufus could have just described it.]

"Well…back to business." The Being said not sounding phased in the slightest by what had happened. "I realize that this must be overwhelming for you, so let's try to make this easier. Allow us to introduce ourselves. I am **Emperor Imma Badman**, and these are my associates. It is a pleasure to meet you. You're likely wondering who I am, yes? Well, I am the head of the glorious **Aether Chthonic Empire**. It is a intergalactic and inter-dimensional empire whose reach goes into several galaxies and ethereal plains."

Between the Emperor's grim appearance, the fact that he was apparently a conquering emperor, and what he had easily done to Izzy, everyone else looked gravely worried.

Emperor Badman's mouth curled into another mirthless smile as his eyes looked excited. "I grasp that the unique appearances of me and my company may be…unsettling, but rest assured, you are safe. They only do what I command them to and nothing more. Here, let me give you all a demonstration. Minions, focus on the more aged, darker skinned male."

"Boy, who ya calling ag-**AH**!?" Chef shouted angrily, before he screamed fearfully.

Within seconds Chef was overwhelmed by the alien/demons who proceeded to beat the snot out of him. After about ten seconds the experienced military man was defeated.

"There, you see. It is only my generosity and good manners that keeps the rest of you from looking like that. Every one of my associates are ready and willing to do that to you, but they won't do so unless you do something that leads me to believe you deserve it." Imma Badman's neutral smile had since morphed into one of sophisticated sadism.

After saying that, the Villain's eyes were drawn towards a particular member of the cast.

{Cody!}

A girl who was the kind of girl that all men dreamed of but knew they could never have.

{Courtney!}

A nice girl with long blonde hair and DD size boobs that every straight man and gay girl hoped to have and dominate in the sack!

{Eva!}

…

So anyway…the Villain walked over to **Lindsay**, who was shaking with fear, even as Tyler attempted what would likely be a rather pathetic effort to shield his hot girlfriend.

"Hey there darling. What's your name?" Emperor Imma Badman said, ignoring Tyler as he placed one of his clawed hands under Lindsay's chin to grab a gentle hold of her lips.

"**My name is…"** He said then in a different voice, sounding like an unconvincing attempt of a man to sound like a high-pitched woman. While doing so, he moved Lindsay's lips to match the words he was saying. By the time those three short words were said, he read Lindsay's entire mind to discover her name before resuming moving her lips in two seconds (there wasn't that much to read), **"…Lindsay. Who are you?"**

"Why, my dear, I just said my name. But I'll say it again, being that I am a gentleman. I am Emperor Imma Badman." He said in in his normal suave British type voice. "And I must say, you fulfill your species' shallow superficial definition of beauty to the letter."

"**Well thank you Mister Badman, but your just saying that."** Lindsay's lips moved while the Emperor continued to speak in his second, less charming, voice.

"Trust me, I don't just say that to every female life form I come across."

"**Mister Badman, please rule over me and my fellow Homo sapiens!"**

"Oh, don't worry about it. I'll get around to it."

"**But I need you to conquer and enslave us right now!"**

"Ok-ok-ok! I'm kind of in the middle of something right no-"

"**NO, right now Mister Badman! Right now!"**

"BITCH, I DO WHAT I WANT!"

Everyone was rendered silent by what they had just witnessed from the gaunt emperor.

'_Wow…that's really unsettling!'_

[I know. He's clearly so detached from reality that-]

'_How the __**freckle-rocking hersey**__ is that he can say __**bonk**__ but Izzy can't!?'_

Well, that's because he's the villain. And unlike you he won't curse every other word.

'_**Gum-chewing funk-monstering **__system, favoring the villains and non-human things!'_

"But…but sir?" One of the evil minions spoke up, looking like he was wearing a screaming skull throwing up a spinal cord, "Why aren't we conquering them right now?"

The Evil Emperor slowly released Lindsay's face from his grasp and rose up to his full height. As he glared at that one minion, he asked, "What did you just say?"

"Well…um…" As the minion in question attempted to speak, the others surrounding him started to slowly back away from him. "It-it-its…just that, uh, you're so pow-powerful and all, why not just conquer them right-" Badman moved his claw in a throwing motion. Instantaneously, the questioning minion erupted into flickering emerald flames.

"**-AHHHHH!"**

**KABOOM!**

The minion then suddenly exploded and the space around him looked like a photonegative being exposed to the light, being completely bleached out of existence.

{YAY BOOM!}

"NEVER ASK ME SUCH OBVIOUS QUESTIONS AGAIN!" Badman shouted.

The space where the minion had been was now a smoldering heap of sparking residue. One large burst of energy cascaded out of the debris.

"As you know, my most trusted and valued henchmen, I am always opened to inflicting on you the ravages of intelligence by explaining my master plans. But I will only dignify questions that have at least some thought put into them. I can't stand stupid questions!" The Evil Emperor continued to rant, somehow being both calm and not quite composed. "And as you all already know, we are not conquering this planet of hairy carbon water-sacks yet because I first must require some of their finest adolescents to aid in my plan. My extensive research into this planet has revealed that Canadian ones are the best pick!"

"Si-Sir…I-I've got a question then." Another minion said, this one looking like a robot that would fit in 1950s science fiction. The others around him started to move away. "Why does it have to be Canadian teenagers that we require to fulfill you pl-**AAHHH**!?"

Before even allowing him to finish speaking, the Evil Emperor fired a blast of energy. The robot looking minion looking like he was birthed in a war of serious blue-balls was blown up into millions of pieces, put back together, and then blown up all over again.

There was a second or so of complete silence after the minion had been fully destroyed.

"It's a good question." Badman said, calm and sincerely, "And I shall explain it."

Everyone, even Izzy who still couldn't move or be in this chapter at all expect to be smacked around-

"Hate you. Hate you Ruffy." Izzy said while still not being to move because of me-uh, I mean, magic, because of techno magic! Real, not contrived, delicious techno magic!

-prepared themselves to listen very intently to whatever great explanation would come.

"But let's start answering that question, with another question," The Emperor said before turning to the Total Drama contestants who were terrified and largely ignored until now, "Humans. According to the commonplace colloquium that was started in 1917 from one quote in the magazine _Good Health_…what's the most important meal of the Earth day?"

The Total Drama contestants looked at each other in absolute confusion. "Oh come now, there's no reason to scared." The Emperor said in an inviting voice. "What is the most important meal of the day? The one that you require the most to do a hard day's work?"

"Bre-breakfest?" Cameron said, knowing the answer but being terrified to answer anyway. It was only feeling Gwen's shaking hand holding his that got him to speak up.

"Correct!" Badman said with a pleased smile on his face, "Now, what condiment do people use for more breakfast foods than anything else? What's put on pancakes, waffles, French toast, and even eggs and sausage by fatness causing fast food chain empires?"

"Maple…maple syrup?" Owen asked, though he more than anyone knew the answer, you know, because of the maple leaf on his shirt…and nothing else.

"Aaaand, in what nation of the world is the majority of the world's maple syrup made?"

"C-Canada." Courtney answered.

"Veeeery good!" The Evil Emperor said, not sounding particularly evil at this moment. "Now, use your admittedly limited brains for this one, humans. If the offspring of one of the Earth's nations would be the most useful for global conquest, which would it be?"

For a long space of time, no one dared answer, feeling both confused and frightened.

"Oh, come on," Badman said, sounding almost playful, "Surely the answer is obvious?"

Apparently the answer wasn't so obvious because no one still answered that question.

"Very well. I shall be direct about this. The answer to that question is Canada, of course." The Villain said, "What else could be possible with all the maple syrup you people eat?"

There was an even longer period of silence before someone finally broke it like the hopes of youthful Americans in their democratic process.

"Uh…" Gwen finally said, "…wha-?"

"Do I have to spell it out for you keratin covered cretins!?"

"We aren't, like, covered in dead bodies!" Lindsay shouted in alarm.

"…" Imma Badman stared at the Blonde Bombshell dumbfounded for thirty seconds before saying; "I'm not going to dignify that with a answer. But I'll answer the first." He looked at Gwen, "You there, the Tim Burton whack-off goddess material, ask me again?"

"Wha-?"

"You have for your entire lives suckled from nothing but the sappy, ambrosia leaking maple trees' teats every morning since you moved on from your mothers' fleshy udders! As your efforts on Total Drama show, you have suppressed the levels of any normal human teenagers. Thanks to the sticky, golden tree blood coursing through your veins, you have endured hardships that no one else of your species could ever overcome! Is it not obvious or is the truth always dashed against the craggy shores of your ignorance!?" Badman ranted with fury and impassioned conviction before accidentally released another burst of energy. Several minions exploded. Coolly Badman added, "Sorry."

[Did I really just hear that?]

{Don't you mean read?}

[…Yes…]

{Hey, how do ya like that! I outsmarted the egghead!}

[Izzy hit her head harder than any of us realized.]

{Oh yeah, Izzy's still being trapped, isn't? I completely forgot about that.}

[As I sure a fair chuck of the readers have too.]

'_Hey, Ruffy boy! When is this sparky straightjacket going to fizzle out already!?'_

[And what make you think it will, Izzy? For all you know it could be designed to linger around you for literally yea-]

The sound of a timer went off. The energy fizzled out.

"Yes!" Izzy cheered happily, before leaping forward, "Time to deck some schno-**ACK!**"

Before Izzy could deliver a blow to the unnoticeable nose on the Evil Emperor's face, that same sovereign of most unkind character had placed one of his clawed hands around the Redhead's throat.

"Leaping at me again, I see?" Badman asked rhetorically with reeking sarcasm while holding Izzy up against the nearby wall by her neck so that he was looking into her face. "My dear, haven't you heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing twice and expecting a different result? Why, I'm beginning to suspect that you are insane."

[What was your first clue?]

{Shows what you know! Izzy knows she's battier than the Bat-Cave!}

"Oh, my delusional little redheaded minx, do you honestly believe that you can stop me?" Badman asked, smirking.

"Not only does Izzy believe she can but she knows she will!"

Badman's smirk left his face, "Um, and how exactly does…uh, Izzy, know that?"

"I CAN SEE THE FYOO-CHURE!"

For the briefest of moments, Badman looked at her with a disbelieving, confused stare. "It doesn't matter why you believe that," He said, "it's just a belief. I shall prove that."

The Villain's hand was released from Izzy's throat but she didn't fall to the ground. Instead she hovered in mid-air, being held up by Imma Badman's psychic powers, as shown by an aura of a slightly different green energy. Smiling as Izzy attempted to escape, the creature started to slam the Redhead into whatever objects were around.

***BANG!***

"You **fancy**-!"

***BANG!***

"-**Aspin**-!"

***BANG!***

"Izzy's gonna-!"

***BANG!***

Then Izzy was slammed onto the floor as the energy ceased to surround her body. She was now the broken.

[I don't know what Izzy's more hurt by, the shattering of her bones and internal organs or the fact that the previous section was censored?]

'_T-th-the…the cen-cen-censoring…'_

[I assumed as much.]

"Do what, exactly? Huh? Quip me to death?" Badman asked smugly as he walked up until he was standing over the defeated Izzy. "Ooohohoho…I'm going to have some fun with you, my dear." He then turned his attention to the by now totally terrified others. "So, before I take some of you for my master plan, do any of you have any questions?" The Evil Conquer asked.

Owen raised his hand. "So, you said that some of us are being taken because of Canadians eating maple syrup all the time, right?"

"Yes."

"Well what about all of the Canadians who eat breakfasts without any maple syrup?"

There was a long silence following the utterly legitimate question. Everyone, human and otherwise, looked at the Chubby Teen with worry and/or puzzlement. One of Badman's pink eyes twitched as his expression changed to one of deep loathing and annoyance.

"Time to choose which teenagers to take!" Baman said without acknowledging the question. "Eenie meenie miny- you!"

"Wha-?"

With that and a single gesture of his right clawed hand that showed the back of his hand while extending all five taloned digits, Imma Badman released a flash of green energy. Before anyone could react, Owen, Eva, Noah, Cody, Cameron, Gwen, Courtney, Bridgette, Zoey, Dawn, and Lindsay were taken away within pillars of emerald light.

Everyone stared at the spaces where their follow competitors had once been. The looks ranged from horror to confusion. Geoff, Mike, and Tyler looked particularly despaired, what with them losing their girlfriends and the hot body privileges that came with them.

Badman looked pleased with his efforts. He then turned back to the remaining teens. "Now then, onto more pleasant things. Before I part ways with you remaining humans, I require some more of you. Unlike those I just took though, the ones I'll select are most blessed indeed. Those that will be chosen next shall commend my otherworldly forces! My emerald energy shall illuminate those with hearts cold and cruel enough to do so!"

With that, and another motion of his hand, Imma Badman allowed the results to speak for themselves. Eight contestants now had their bodies aglow with a green aura. They were the darkest being that the reality television show had dug out from the depths of Canada!

They were…Alejandro, Blaineley, Duncan, Jo, Lightning, Mike, Scott, and Sierra!

{What a second! Why isn't Heather one of those!?}

[Because Rufus likes her a lot as a character.]

'_Why isn't Justin one of them!?'_

[Most likely just to spite you, Izzy.]

Yup, and yup!

"You magnificent eight shall be empowered beyond the merger limits of your imaginations!" Badman said to the (un)lucky eight, "You shall only have one purpose. Eliminate all possible threats to me. Aside from that and the commands from me alone, all the realms of existence belong to you. Everything and everyone, no matter their location, state of being, or species is yours to toy with, in whatever ways you see fit. Indulge in endless orgies with men or women of any bodily description you can imagine. Ravage entire solar systems until they are nothing but lifeless voids of blood and corpses. Convert dreary realms of the dead into amusement parks where you always are first in line. It makes no difference to me! Whatever you choose, you shall have the powers of a god! What say you? Will you offer your allegiance to me for the bounty of all creation!?"

There was a thick silence that followed that reveal. No one quite knew how to respond.

Without saying a word or taking her eyes off of Badman, Blaineley took out her cell phone, flipped it opened, and dialed a number. "Sarah," The Cougar Host said, "you can take my job for you at _Celebrity Manhunt_ and shove it up your artificially enhanced ass! I just got the deal of a lifetime and I'm not about to pass it up to interview the next teenage one-hit wonder! The next time you see me, you'll be groveling at my feet like a bitch!"

'_Why can she swear!?'_

Again, she's another villain.

'_WAAAAUUUUUGH!'_

Most of the others chosen quickly offered their allegiance to the scary inhuman creature. Only two resisted the idea.

"But I can't be on your side!" Sierra screeched. "I'm not a villain!"

[At least half the fandom strongly disagrees.]

"And did I fail to mention that you would also have control over those that I previously captured and you can do whatever you wish with any of them…including Cody?" Imma Badman asked with a confident smirk on his green face.

"I'M IN!"

[And that is a part of the reason why.]

"Excellent."

"Well, I won't side with you!" Mike said defiantly. "I've spent this entire season being submissive to a villain and I'm not about to do it again! Plus you took my best friend and girlfriend! There is no way that I will ever side with you or any other villain ever again!"

"Um, interesting," Badman said, completely unfazed while looking at Mike with some vague sense of interest. "**You** may never serve me, but maybe there's another who will."

"What do you mean?"

"I sense something deep within you…darkness repressed…interesting plot elements marred by terrible writing…evil defeated by intelligence insulting contrivance…" Badman said before placing one of his clawed hands on Mike's black spine haired head. "I'll undo what was undone so horribly. I'll press the reset button to your reset button!"

"B-b-b-bu-but that doesn't make any sense!"

[Neither did a mental reset button in the first place.]

{I know right! What a crock!}

With that, jade shots of electricity surged around Mike's head, making his already spiky hair more pointed and upright…and I am not using any more adjectives to describe it.

{Come on, Ruffy! Say the hair is erect! Proclaim that Mike has more of a hair boner!}

After a few seconds of this, it ended and Mike's body was unnaturally stiff and smoking.

The mocha-skinned teen's eyes opened (you know, cuz they'd been closed when the electricity had been surging through his body as it caused his muscles to convulse and writhe in pain). As he looked around, the hair on his head started to not be as upright-

'_Maybe he thought of Chef in a thong!?'_

-and it started to cover his right eye. And he started to look like he hadn't slept in days. Finally, he confirmed what you already know if you watched Total Drama All-Stars by releasing a terrifying and inhuman yet raspy evil human.

Mike had once again become Mal!

And the newly freed dark personality showed his alliance to Imma Badman by bowing. The Villain smirked with pride as he made his newest followers vanish like the others.

"There we go. All done." The Villain said after nineteen contestants had vanished. "I do believe that accounts for everything that I require out of you. But before I leave you to wallow in the despair of your eventual conquest by those under my command, including the newest human additions, is there anything that any of you would like to say to me?"

"As a matter of fact, there is." Someone said, someone who had remained silent and completely ignored by the story until now. Even though the body covered in them was slightly shaking, a short sleeved darker green shirt (complete with two silver dog-tags) and a pair of dark blue jeans that reached the ankles stood up to oppose the main villain. As you can likely guess, that person was **Brick** McArthur. His face was determined as he said, "I don't know but we are going to stop you and rescue our friends and comrades!"

"Ninety-two." Imma Badman said.

"This has gone on for too long! You will pay for your crimes!"

"Four hundred and sixty five."

"And we are…we…wi-" Brick stopped mid-heroic line, "uh…what are you-?"

"Oh, please, do go on," Badman said with an inviting gesture. "Don't mind me."

"Aaaaaanddd…we will be the ones who will stop you!"

"Oh, wow…six hundred and eighty seven."

"Ok, that's enough! What are you doing!?"

"Oh, sorry. It's a little hobby of mine. I have heard these cliché heroic speeches so often during my time as a ruthless tyrant and just all-around sadist that I've started making of mental list of how many times I've heard certain formulaic lines." Badman explained. "You have no idea how annoy it gets hearing the same generic things over and over again! 'Blah, blah, blah, cruelty and corruption.' 'Blah, blah, blah, tyranny.' 'Blah, blah, blah, Badman, stop killing me!' 'Stop eviscerating my father and then using his gastrointestinal tract as a condom while you fornicate with my mother's skull, you insa-'"

"You…you insane monster."

"Two hundred and thirty nine."

"Yeah? Well…uh…we're going to…" Izzy said, still defeated on the ground, struggling to come up without that wouldn't have been heard before and wouldn't be censored, "shaft up your face!"

"Oh ho, oh my!" Badman chuckled under his breath as if taken by surprise, "Seven."

With that, with a confident grin on his face, Badman vanished just as the other had. All of his otherworldly minions followed behind their master.

Soon enough within the broken remains of the room, less than half of the Total Drama cast remained. Those left were Izzy, Brick, Harold, Heather, DJ, Justin, Staci, Ezekiel, Tyler, Geoff, Beth, Katie, Sadie, Sam, Dakota, B, and Anna Maria. Everyone was stunned and clueless, not believing all of the wacky and messed up things that they had seen. After all, what could be done when something so outside of their realm of experience happened? What proper course of events could such a development spawn?

[Oh…what the…? Uh-oh.]

{What is it?}

[I just figured out what this fanfic's premise is.]

"Epiphany!" Izzy shouted. "Me and my totally 100% canon-based super hyper-force bestest buddy Brick are going to follow those evil cast mates and save the others!"

[Oh no.]

{Hey, don't worry. It's not like she knows where they went to or how to get there, right?}

[True. And she's never even interacted with Brick so they can't be "bestest buddies" too.]

"Double epiphany!"

Being more than just a little bit crazy, Izzy was use to not letting little things like logic stop her from doing what she wanted. However, given the nonsensical nature of her current goals, literally bending the fabric of reality itself and instantly developing a close friendship without any basis in Total Drama's canon, there was nothing she could do. And unlike last time, Izzy promised that she wouldn't take control of the story from me.

So despite Izzy's enthusiasm, she was unable to do the crazy stuff that she wanted to. Instead she and Brick took the first step in an epic quest that I will describe with an asinine amount of detail about **every**. Single. Little. Spec of dust they come across as there friendship emerges gradually over time through believable character development. Yes surrey bob, shocking even herself, Izzy took this with great maturity and accept-wha? Izzy!? What the hell are you doing here!? You prom-AAAARGH GAHDJSBK-

AND SO IZZY HAD THE POWER TO DO WHAT SHE WANTS FOR THE REST OF THIS CHAPTER!

[*sigh* Here we go again. I weep for what semblance of order and logic there once was.]

FIRSTLY IZZY ISN'T FORBIDDEN FROM SAYING WHATEVER FOUL WORDS SHE WANTS TOO!

{Cock. Boobs. Ass. Bitch. Shit. It works!}

SUDDENLY BRICK REALZIED THAT HE AND IZZY HAD ALWAYS BEEN SUCH TOTALLY 100% CANON-BASED SUPER HYPER-FORCE BESTEST BUDDIES!

"Whoa! Izzy!" BRICK SHOUTED, "I just realized that you and me have always been such totally 100% canon-based super hyper-force bestest buddy!"

"Yup, we sure are! And before moving on, let's have a little fun!" I SAID.

SOME FLAMING GIRAFFES RUN BY FROM OUT OF NOWHERE EMBRACING THEIR SEXUALITY AND BURNING FLESH!

"Those giraffes be runnin' by and flamin'!" STACI SAID IN SHOCK AT THE SEVERAL TOWERING AFRICAN EVEN-TOED UNGULATES THAT WERE ON FIRE BUT UNFAZED THAT CAME RUNNING BY, BEFORE LOOKING AT **YOU**, "I am annoying and you will hate everything I say!"

CHOCOLATE STARTED FALLING FROM THE CEILINGED SKY WHILE SOMEONE SINGS SOMETHING FITTING BUT OH SO WRONG!

"Chocolate rain!" KATIE AND SADIE STARTED TO SING WITH UNNATURALLY DEEP MAN VOICES, "Our boobed story goddess rips off this old meme with no shame! Chocolate rain!"

DJ STARTED APOLOGIZING TO THE ANIMALS HE HURT DURING TDWT…THROUGH DANCE!

SUDDENLY CHRIS DISCOVERED THAT HE HAD LOST ALL OF HIS HAIR, AND THAT HE HAD BUNNY EARS FOR EARS!

"Chris! You lost all of your hair and you have bunny ears for ears!" DJ SHOUTED WHILE WALTZING WITH THE WARLUS HE ILLOGICALLY HIT IN JAMACIA.

"What are you talking about D-?" CHRIS FELT HIS HEAD AND HE NOTICED THAT HE INDEED HAD NO HAIR AND BUNNY EARS INSTEAD OF HUMAN EARS, "Aah! What, but…how!?"

[Is that really all your going to do to Chris?]

YOUR RIGHT, OTHER VOICE INSIDE OF MY HEAD! IZZY CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT! UM, LET IZZY THINK…WHAT COULD-AH HA, IZZY'S GOT IT!

SUDDENLY CHRIS WAS ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES WITH CLOTHING MAKING HIS BOTTOM HALF LOOK LIKE A COW'S BUTT AS A VERY HORNY BULL APPEARED BEHIND CHRIS AND STARTED TO DO HIM UP THE BUTT!

"What the fu-?"

"MOOOOO!" A LARGE HORNY BULL SAID AS HE BOBBED HIS EYEBROWS.

"What's that bull doi-**AHAHAHAHAHAH!**" CHRIS STARTED TO SAY BEFORE THE BULL BEGAN TO HAVE HIS WAY WITH THAT NASTY DOODOO HEAD.

{YES! Having a bull anally rape Chris McLean makes this the greatest story of all time!}

SUDDENLY HEATHER'S KNCOKERS BECAME G-CUPS WHILE WEARING A REVEALING BINIKI AS SHE GOT ALL HOT AND BOTHERED FOR HAROLD AND STARTED CRAVING HIS DICK!

"Heather, your breasts have expanded exceptionally!" HAROLD SAID IN ALARM WHEN HE NOTICED THAT THE NASTY GIRL'S BOOBS GREW FIVE OR SIX SIZES.

"Harold!" HEATHER SAID IN A VERY REVEALING BINIKI WHILE MAKING SURE TO SQUEEZE AND RUB HER NEW BIGGER BOOBS VERY SEXUALLY, "You said you liked my boobies, right?"

"Yeah, I did." HAROLD SAID.

"Well, they like you too. Have a look!" HEATHER HAPPILY SHOUTED AS SHE REMOVED HER BINIKI TOP TO SHOW HAROLD HER GREAT BREASTS, "They want you to caress them for hours on end! I'm all hot and bothered. I want your dick!"

"Ok-" HAROLD STARTED TO SAY BEFORE THE ASIAN HOTTIE TACKLED HIM AND STARTED GOING DOWN ON HIM VERY PASSIONATELY RIGHT WAY WITH ALL THE BELIEVABILITY OF YOUR TYPICAL TOTAL DRAMA LEMON!

"Hey, a nerd got a hottie. But then again, I'm just a evil lair whose not really that hot!" JUSTIN SAID, SPEAKING THE TRUTH ABOUT HIS EVIL LYING UGLY SELF.

SUDDENY THE EVIL UGLY LAIR EX-BOYFRIEND KNOWN AS JUSTIN FOUND THAT HIS FACE WAS COVERED IN PIMPLES AND HIS MUSCLES VANISHED AND HE WAS BEATEN WITHIN A INCH OF HIS LIFE AND HIS DICK FELL OF-

[Whoa. Calm down there, girl. I think you're about to go too far.]

{Yeah, Izzy's fun and wacky but not mean or evil!}

[Indeed. Besides, this gag has gone on for long enough. Like the rest of this chapter. Please get on with it.]

{Yes, get on with it! Get on with it!}

"Oh, you guys are referencing _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_! Izzy loves that movie! But for it to be a proper reference you guys need to say that one mo-" I SAID.

[GET ON WITH IT!}

"Ok, ok…gosh! There's no need for you two to gang up on Izzy!" I SAID.

SO THEN I WAVED MY HANDS AND SHOT A BEAM AT THE EMPTY AIR, WHICH WAS A PORTAL TO WHEREVER ONE OF THE TAKEN CONTESTSNTS WAS TAKEN TOO. BRICK AND IZZY THEN JUMPED INTO THE PORTAL.

BY THE WAY, UNLIKE LAST TIME WHEN IZZY DID THIS, IZZY ALSO COMMANDS THAT RUFFY REMEMBERS NONE OF THIS IN THE ENDNOTES!

* * *

**And that was the chapter. I've got to admit I worried that Izzy would do something screwy but thankfully she didn't. I legitimately thought that she would abuse her powers of breaking the fourth wall again but she was good. Maybe I will let her beat the snot out of Justin if she keeps it up? Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! :)**

{Explosivo sure did! Bull up the butt! BULL UP THE BUTT!}

"Well Izzy didn't!"

**Uh? Why is that Izzy?**

[You do know that William Shakespeare once said, "Brevity is the soul of wit", yes?]

**Yes, yes, I do know that. But I fail to see what relation that has here. **

{What does that even mean?}

[Don't waste my time.]

"Izzy doesn't get it either, why do you bring this up, Brainzilla?"

[Because this one chapter is over nine thousand words long.]

{Wait!? You mean, its, its, its...OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!}

"-Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh-!"

{-Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh-!}

"-Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh-!"

{-Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh-!}

"-Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh-!"

{-Aaaaaahhhhhhhh-!}

"-Aaahhhhhhh-!}

{-A-nd?}

[Yes.]

**Hey! I had to set a lot up! You try writing a chapter that starts out normal but then has forces that include a glowing lunchmeat monster and something with a boar's head for a belly that take half the teens and still keep it flowing and funny!**

{Excuses!}

Didn't you say you liked the chapter?

{Yeah, so?}

"Besides, even that wasn't the biggest flaw here."

**Then what was?**

"I was barely in this chapter! This story's all about da Izzy but she was barely even mentioned in this chapter and when I was mentioned I was being handled like Ezekiel!"

**Let's not say things that aren't true! I didn't treat you anywhere near that bad!**

"And that was while that mismatched monstrosity of yours was hogging the spotlight!"

**Hey! Don't you bad-mouth Imma Badman! It took me hours to nail down his look! **

[And with all that time you couldn't think of a better name?]

{OH! Someone get Ruffy some lotion for that burn!}

**HEY! It took me even longer to think of a name! At one point I was seriously considering calling the main bad guy of this story Imperfect General Aku! **

"That's not even a joke, is it?"

**NO! Oh, but thanks for the suggestion anyway, ewisko. Seriously, I almost went with that. And it was better than any of my ideas! Besides Izzy, look at it this way, this makes you hate the villain more and it makes the readers more eager for you. **

"…"

**Nothing to say to-**

"Damn valid reasoning!"

**Oh, and that's another thing! You've got to stop swearing so-**

"NO! Izzy is NOT going to be censored like this is _Care Bears_ for the entire story!"

**But Izzy, its rated T for Teen!**

"That's not Izzy's fault!"

[Why did you make this story T for Teen anyway?]

**Because I didn't want to have my comedy story be nothing but pure profanity. **

{But that doesn't mean you have to remove all profanity?}

[That was…shockingly insightful for you, Explosivo…]

{Yeah! Look at me keepin' things runnin' 'round here! I'm like a major dodo!}

[I think you mean 'majordomo'.]

{A what-now?}

[Actually, I take it back. Your statement was more accurate.]

{Yaaay! I'm smart!}

**So…Izzy, how about I let you say any profanity you want outside of worst ones as long as you promise to try to only use them when you can't think of anything else? **

"Um? I guess Izzy can agree to that. But only as long as I'm all over the next chapter!"

**Deal! **

…

**My God, I've reached the day where I'm making comprises with my own creation. Is this how GOD feels? **

"Wink-wink, nudge-nudge for the next chapter!"

[You know, this closing bit is also going on for too lo-]

"Wait till next chapter! Read! Review! Follow! Favor! Tell people!"

{Bull up the butt!}

"Izzy out!"


End file.
